About Pamela

Some of you may be familiar with my addiction and the devastation and chaos I brought to many, including myself.

 

After being the “party girl” maybe “life and soul of the party” somewhere along the way I lost my stop button. Never ever knowing when to stop or having any boundaries in place. Recklessly doing what I wanted, when I wanted with no regard for my health, finances or people around me that cared for me.

 

Losing my Mum at 19 threw the hard blow......  Not ever feeling enough whilst growing up and then swimming in grief, partying became a great escape from the sadness I'd always had in my heart.

 

Years and years in this unstructured cycle, constantly in a state of being tipsy, drunk or hungover, crippled with financial strain. Just trying to hold it all together. Trying desperately to get through the day only to do the whole ritual all over again, just to feel numb for a bit… Addiction finally bit me on my arse. And boy did I hit the floor running..

 

Everything in my life has been to excess, whether it was drugs, drink, shopping, spending, partying and so it continued…

 

My world was a constant cycle of the next drink… next dopamine hit from buying something I probably would never wear and consumed with disorder, lack of structure and generally being a grown up was hard for me.

 

My life started to get out of control and totally unmanageable.

 

I love my family wholeheartedly but the addict part of my brain didn’t care for anything other that feeding the dark hole in the soul back to numbness.

 

Then came the worst thing I did, I discovered "hair of the dog".  No more hangovers just a constant topping up the alcohol in my system and it didn't take long before....

 

My body was now dependent and I couldn't physically function without it.

 

I couldn’t cope any more and it WAS NO LONGER FUN! My consequences where getting bigger, I started to have back to back seizures for hours. Being violently sick whilst trying to consumer more alcohol every morning to stop my hands shaking and withdrawals was horrendous.

 

I was so fortunate to get to attend a two week outpatients treatment in a rehab center. I managed 6 weeks of sobriety but hated feeling the emotions that alcohol suppressed.

 

I literally hated myself. Self loathing, shame, guilt and feeling soulless was not how I wanted to feel. Thinking and feeling where not normal to me. So I relapsed once again. Only for the previous pattern to be more extreme. My addiction was fighting me and I had no strength to fight back.

 

Everyone who cared for me tried to help. Taking me into to their family home to try and dry me out whilst making sure that I didn't choke on my own vomit or have a cardiac arrest in one of my back to back seizures.  This journey took to them taking me to crisis centers, to hospital repeatedly, even bringing me wine as medication to stop me having seizures but as always I abused every system in place to try and help me get control of my life once more.

 

My very special friends were doing all they could to help my but it was only me who could do it and I wasn't ready to give up my comfort blanket of numbness.  I can't imagine the horror of being on the receiving end of a "good bye" text from me, where once again they flew round to try and save me from myself.  My addiction pushed my dear friends to their limits and it was effecting their mental health in such a negative was they were also in turmoil. I'm forever grateful to you and love you always for being there for me.

 

My addiction caused so much stress, worry and pushed everyone to their limits. My disease effected everyone of my relationships, family and friends where fraught with worry.

 

Then finally after twice hurting myself my world fell apart. My 3 children whom I adore where no longer allowed to be in my care. My eldest Son left to find sanctuary at a friends till he moved in with his Dad.  I put him through hell and had finally broken him.  He could no longer bare to even look at me.  I didn't see my kids for several months after and just stewed in my own vomit, sweat and sheer terror of how I could get through a day without them by my side.

 

I’d lost everything I'd every truly cared for.

 

My Dad who was very poorly and had recently suffered a stroke was still by my side. I could no longer look after myself, let alone him but somehow never judged me. Once again the mess of my life was picked up by my friends whom helped him move into his own home, furnish it and comfort him whilst I started to fight for my life.  For all of this I am eternally grateful.  I simply was too unwell to function or see anything but loathing for myself and darkness.  

 

It was so bad I even asked to be sectioned, I no longer had any hope and I didn’t want to be here any more.

 

Just me now, my dark thoughts, and no hope….. Feeling as though my life was over.....

I sat in my emotions and decided on the 14th August 2020 that I would try one day without drinking. I presumed that I might pass away whilst having seizures or just go ahead and end it all once and for all.

 

But something happened..I had found the gift of desperation and was on my knees.

 

4 weeks of withdrawals, vomiting, fitting, hallucinating, sweating, mourning my loss of everything, I still hadn't drank…..something had shifted.

 

Still hating myself and feeling empty in my empty home, with nothing to fill my void, no kids to attempt to look after,  I decided to try a yoga class at Fresh Gym. This is where things surprisingly shifted a little more to the light.

 

I met Fiona the amazing yoga instructor that I believed helped save my life.. Forever grateful to you Fiona.. Me and my whole family owe you for eternity.

 

I confided in Fiona how my life was in tatters and she was so full of grace, compassion and empathy that I connected to her warm aura.

 

Having never stepped for on a yoga mat before this made me feel peaceful somehow.

 

I started to do yoga classes frequently….

 

I was then allowed brief visits with my children whom were obviously confused as to "what happened to Mummy" and "why is Mummy ill?

 

My first born came home a few months later, trusting that maybe this time would be different.  I clung on with every bit of strength I had to not relapse and press the F it button once more.  So many times my addiction nearly pulled me back to the darkness.

 

The longest, most painfully emotional four and a half months later, still sober my kids where allowed to come home.  Grateful their Dad took control and kept them safe and well, whilst I built myself back to something that no longer resembled the monster I'd become.  It took time but now co parenting peacefully has thankfully given my kids a stable family unit at both of our homes.

 

Since that first yoga class I have fought with everything I have to stay well for my babies. My friends and family have forgiven me and rejoice in my sobriety as do I.

 

Practicing yoga when the urges or cravings were back was an positive escape.  But from doing this noticed that my body was getting stronger, my mind calmer and less muddled and I could recognise and deal with my emotions better.

 

Along this journey I have met people who are so very special to me now. People who didn’t know me but knew of my story who gave me a chance and I slowly grew my wings. Thank you Mrs M and Mrs M.

 

All of this was leading me to where I am now.

 

A very very special friend asked me a year into my sobriety “What did I love” my response was yoga. He then stuck a rocket up my arse and told me “its time for you to make your kids proud, go show them how strong you are” This is when I started my yoga teacher training. This would never of happened without the love, kick up the butt and encouragement from Mr C and Csilla whom I love so so dearly.

 

Once on this discovery and learning phase.

 

It seemed like there was no stopping me then.

 

I qualified as a yoga instructor, Celebrated 2 years being clean and serene.

 

This learning curve I was on was flat out for a few years, partly to keep me safe and sober and partly just to prove I could do it.

 

This was the start of my teaching yoga journey, swiftly followed by Pilates, Yin Yoga, Pilates with props, kids yoga, Pre and Post Natal Pilates and Breath-work for Trauma.

 

My life is beautiful and my kids are healthy, happy and simply my world.

 

I wanted to take the time to thank any of you that have been part of my journey. To finally find acceptance, trust and have a fondness for myself is priceless. Whilst being able to devote myself to being the best parent I can be.

 

5 Years on and I'm still fortunate to be my Dads full time carer and hes still championing me all the way "always knew you could do it" and "you're stronger than me" are phrases he says as he beams with pride.

 

Whatever your situation, life is hard and challenging for all of us. Exercise and wellness has saved me from myself along with all the beautiful people I've met along the way.

 

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have changed mine and my children's lives…

 

Yoga teaches you to "NEVER LOOK BACK.. THE PAST IS GONE, FUTURES UNKNOWN, LIVE IN THE GIFT OF THE PRESENT".

 

Pilates has made my body strong, given me body awareness and respect whilst making my mind calm.

 

A combination of the two disciplines has transformed me physically but more importantly mentally and emotionally. To have a safe space to find a release and stillness of the mind is a must for me keeping well.

 

As of the date of writing this 13.04.24 I am 3 years,7 months and 29 days clean and serene. Its still day by day but just for today I’m winning.  I still struggle and I will always be an addict, however I have coping mechanisms in place. I cant even think about falling again because I don't think id get back up next time.  It literally took every ounce of strength I had in me and it still does...

 

My outlook on life has changed.  I'm healthy, happy and I hope to sprinkle some wellness, fun and strength to you.  I wish you peace of mind and inner strength.

 

This very exciting new path is beyond anything I could have comprehended 3 and a half years ago.  If I can do it there is hope for all.

 

My passion for yoga and Pilates shines through when I teach as I am grateful to be alive and know the power of finding some solace.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm

 

signing off now.....

 

Big love

 

Pamela at Serenity Yoga and Pilates

 

“God grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference”

 

The serenity prayer

If anyone reading this needs some support then please do feel free to contact me or NA or AA.

There is always hope even in the darkest of times.